To my dearest one, to my most loved one,.. my child!
Your very existence is so precious to me.. it's a wonder
that you are alive! Of all things unseen, you must be
the most amazing! I love you!
In the darkest places you were made, hidden from
view, the magic of your creation - carries out its secret
processes, according to the law of love. Yet "law"
denies you the very right to be called "alive"!
You are just a 'dot' right now, barely able to be seen
by the human eye! ..and yet you are not alive?!! I
loved you with all my heart. I blessed from the highest,
and with ALL the power of my spirit - the very ground
that your beautiful, tiny little feet would've walked on!
Did you know, my little love, that when you was only
4-6 weeks old - your teeth cells and fingernails had
already developed? ..and yet, who would say that you
were not alive?!!! Because you were so small, my
darling, and able to be ignored, you were therefore
considered legally small enough - to be swept away
from the first place that people will clean, before any
other on earth,.. their conscience!
Without a name, never having known the family who
would have loved you, and loved your innocence; the
warm hugs and kisses that every child deserves. But
one person's decision,.. whether in anger, indignance,
fear, or from self-indulgence for freedom, or lack of
desire to accept the responsibility.. and suddenly what
they wanted became more important than your life ..
- because they couldn't see you!
If only they could've seen you as I saw you! All those
lessons in class: Anatomy, Biology, "Bone Structure
and Formation",... everything learned that would come
to my mind, as I knew exactly what was happening with
you and how you was being formed - I was able to
have a picture in my mind all the time, throughout
every stage of your amazing life!
I fell in love with you! I couldn't wait to hold you in my
arms, sing you softly to sleep, have the pain of the
sleepless nights, - that I wouldn't trade for anything in
the world! .. because you were my daughter!!!
Your mother made a mistake.. and I would tear my
way through stone walls until my hands were beaten
and bloody, and I had bashed my way through to
protect you from ANYONE who would harm you! ..
But with only a soft lining of flesh and blood
separating us, and the enigma of her lack of
understanding - of just how beautiful you are! How
can I communicate with you?
How can I warn you? How can I tell you that the warm
safe place you're in, is not safe anymore?!! How can I
convey to you - the horror of the "deconstruction" of all
that I've seen in your making?!!
I'm losing my mind in anguish, and going out of my
mind with despair! If you had a voice, - you would
call out to me, expect me to come to your rescue!
.. I am your father!
As the tears roll down my face, I realize there is
nothing I can do! I cannot reach you.. I cannot
rescue you.. I cannot touch you.. and I cannot save
you. Please, please forgive me! My heart is
breaking, over and over!
You were torn in two, physically,.. and while your tiny,
just "weeks-old" heart was still beating, then broken
down into yet more - whilst still alive,.. and then
dissolved. I was merely being torn in two in my spirit.
Oh, if only I could have taken your place! God help
me! You know that I would have done it!!!
More than a year has passed now, and I still light the
candle for you as I did last year, beside my
grandmother's and my father's,.. and I will continue to
do so EVERY year, until I can hold you for real, and let
you know the true extent of my love!
I love you, and I always will!
- Your father.
Written by Ray - in memory of my daughter,
Mary Ivy, taken before she had the chance to be, via
abortion, Sept. 1997.